i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't deserve a penis
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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