I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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