I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
