you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
