The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
