You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
