rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
