This dress was meant to end up on your floor
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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