You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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