I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
