Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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