You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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