WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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