So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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