She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
