so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize