We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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