why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
