this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
