Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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