I wish I could punch you in the face.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
