I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
