I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
