I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
