Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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