sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
