there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
