i barfeds in our rink
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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