Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
