Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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