fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
