I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
