the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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