I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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