I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
