Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
