I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Vodka?
Forever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
