So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
