there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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