I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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