My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
