i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
