There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
