This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
