Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize