I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
