cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
be right there i have to get my cape
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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