How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
