The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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