I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize