DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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