Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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