you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
