also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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