my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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