Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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