yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
