you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
