hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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